The End Chpt 1

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The End Chpt 1

Post  CKO on Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:03 am

Welcome to my tale about 2 Space Marine recruits who work their way up my DIY Undaunted Space Marine Chapter totem pole. The story will hopefully improve my writing skills and show just how amazing Space Marines are! As you read the tale please don't hesitate to PM me or post suggestions, as there is no such thing as bad feedback.

Chapter 1

The humidity of the rainforest was not the cause of Kenar’s sweat for once as he quickly applied the anti-venom that was in his backpack. Small beams of sunlight that penetrated the rainforest’s canopy illuminated the massive headless snake whose body twitched even in death. He did not need to scan through Xavier’s survival manual to know that it was the Deji, the most poisonous snake on the planet. He remembered other recruits talking about the most deadly snake on the planet, “The Deji’s venom slowly paralyzes your limbs and attacks the nervous system causing you to slip into a coma, until finally either your lungs or heart submits to its grasp.”

To survive he would have to survive the coma, and his only chance of living was to stay above ground away from Xavier’s other predators. He started to climb one of the massive rainforest trees; by the time he found a comfortable branch he had lost feeling in his fingers. He pulled an Aquila from his bag, the only thing that separated him from becoming an Astartes was surviving the Deji’s bite and taking the Aquila to one of the Keeps scattered across the planet.

His arm lost all feeling as he thought about how close he was. Using his other arm he placed his paralyzed arm and his Aquila in his lap. While losing feeling in his left hand, he grabbed his picture of his family out of his bag and placed it in his lap. The picture of his brother, sister, and ailing mother had been his motivation throughout this trial and he needed it now more than ever.

All Kenar could think about is that his twin brother was probably at one of the Keeps by now. Zar was smart; he was the analytical type using information to gain an advantage in any situation. He probably created and executed a plan that got him to a Keep within a week. Kenar’s eye lids closed no longer able to control them, tears started to roll down his cheeks as reality settled in, he had let his family down, he would die a failure.

*****
As the Master of Recruits for the Undaunted Chapter Balta enjoyed the sound of bolter fire, there was nothing more satisfying to Balta than hearing neophytes training, however something was wrong. The bolter fire was not interrupted and that meant his neophytes were not receiving proper instructions. The Sergeants should be making adjustments to their aim which would result in sporadic gun fire, but he was hearing an almost robotic sound of reload and fire. Balta walked around the exercise hall examining the gun ranges noticing that two of his Sergeants were absent. He sped up his pace to the surveillance area, the one place that continued to be a distraction for his veterans.

The discussion between the three Sergeants seized once Balta entered the room. The surveillance area was full of scanners and monitors which tracked the surviving recruits constantly observing them as they attempted to pass the trial. “I thought Oligi was watching the trial, how many Sergeants were assigned to this position?” Balta said looking the two Sergeants in the eye.

“One Sir, a rumor was spreading that a prospect passed the trial in 3 days breaking the record in half, sir”, he said in an apologetic tone.

If Balta was impressed you could not see it in his face, “The future of our Chapter is not receiving proper training and that is your response. Are we teaching them abandonment?”

Abandonment a word associated with fear, something that an Astartes in the Undaunted Chapter knew nothing about. A clear insult that made both Sergeants change facial expressions, one managed to squeeze words through his teeth, “Balta, I cannot speak for him but my neophyte was given specific instructions, I wanted a quick glance at the record holder and look” he said while pressing one of the monitors with his finger. “His twin brother is fighting off Deji’s venom.”

“Return to your post”, Balta said partially satisfied that he managed to rattle his sergeants.

Once they were gone he studied the monitor closely, intrigued by the prospects vital signs. Oligi a Sergeant who was responsible for training three of the Undaunted Chapter’s Captains and the clear successor to Balta, asked “Do you see that?”

“Yes, his heart is racing despite the paralyzing venom, while the other ones pulse is calm and steady.” Balta said.

‘The Deji’s venom is very potent even an Astartes would struggle against it’ Oligi turn and looked Balta in the eye, ‘His twin pulse has been like that since day 3, calm as if he is ready for anything’.

‘It is impressive.’ Balta said while closing his eyes.

Oligi was caught off guard by the choice of words, he has never heard Balta give anyone a compliment, it has always been ‘Not Bad’ or ‘Getting Better’.

“What is impressive?” Oligi finally said.

Balta after half a minute open his eyes and responded, “If his brother makes it to the keep, you are to train them both keep them together for as long as possible. As for your question do you know the worse type of enemy?”

Oligi shrugged his shoulders and Balta responded as he left the room, “The enemy that refuses to die and the one who is prepared to die. Something you will not have to teach those two.”
avatar
CKO

Posts : 341
Join date : 2011-06-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The End Chpt 1

Post  Man-of-War on Wed Nov 28, 2012 11:49 pm

Pretty good...... Does the brother die from the Deji venom though?
avatar
Man-of-War

Posts : 1416
Join date : 2011-06-06
Age : 33
Location : Perkinston, MS

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The End Chpt 1

Post  CKO on Thu Nov 29, 2012 2:45 am

Have to wait and find out but what do you think? Good or Bad

The second section I think I can do better I will give it some editing. I really want to get better so if you have something that was out of sync let me know. Dont be afraid to tell me this part was bad because xyz, trust me I have thick skin.
avatar
CKO

Posts : 341
Join date : 2011-06-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The End Chpt 1

Post  AllmightyDM on Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:43 am

Could you post a description of the Aquila? It is mentioned a few times and I was curious what it was so I googled it, with mixed results. I'm not very familiar with space marines.

Is he jealous of Zar or just impressed that he is much more adept, smart, and athletic? Is it hero worship?

The interaction with Balta and his seargents, would it go that smoothly with an insult to honor? They may have some comradere undermining his authority? Just curious.

I know in some space marine fluff there are ridiculous numbers of fatalities on these training or weed out trials, it might speak for the brothers' capabilities to mention something about the other recruits and their progress.

The story is good, but my teachers always told me that no one ever learns anything by heaping praise, try and find something to constructively criticize. I'm sure in future continuations there will be more background about how the brothers grew up together. What makes me loose interest for space marines is the more inhuman they become, they become robotic genocidal killing machines in alot of stories with no humanity. Take Halo for example, in the new game I've heard they spend alot of time to humanize him so that people can relate. Also don't forget to use all the senses, particularly smell, people glaze over that one alot. I'm sure I did in my story as well, but places always have a scent to them. My hometown (pascagoula) has a particular odor that defines it and people who aren't accustomed to it wrinkle their noses typically.

Edit. I did get a hunger games vibe. Good job.

avatar
AllmightyDM

Posts : 439
Join date : 2011-11-22
Location : Pascagoula, MS

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The End Chpt 1

Post  CKO on Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:34 pm

WOW please and I mean please do not stop reading and editing my work. I will edit this immediately all of those tips were extremely helpful, can I be your apprentice?
avatar
CKO

Posts : 341
Join date : 2011-06-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The End Chpt 1

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum